Let’s set the record straight, I’m of Chinese descent but:
I don’t speak Mandarin.
I don’t know how to read or write Chinese characters.
My skin is yellow, but I’m white on the inside.
In other words, I’m what many would consider a banana.
I grew up in a place where Chinese culture is very prevalent despite being a minority group. Ironically, even though we were born and raised here, many of my fellow Malaysian Chinese identify first as a Chinese, and THEN as a Malaysian. To some degree I can understand – after all being born Chinese is something none of us have a choice over, but nationality is something we can choose later on when we grow older. But more than just ethnicity or genetics, it is also a conscious choice of culture, and a melting pot like Malaysia seems more like a salad bowl – each part is still distinctly different.
Being Chinese in Malaysia (and to a lesser extent, in Singapore) automatically predicates you speak and understand it. I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase, “Eh, you don’t speak Chinese?” This is typically followed by a dropped jaw and an incredulous look, as if I were a cat which nonchalantly stood on its hind legs and started quoting philosophy. The difficult part is the follow up; “Chinese must learn how to speak Chinese-Mah!” as if I was somehow incomplete or defective because I didn’t.
I grew up speaking English at home, Malay in school and nothing else. Sure I understood Cantonese – my parents speak it at home too. But I am primarily an English speaker; I think in English and have conversations with myself in English (not out loud of course). I had some exposure to Mandarin, but it never really took root, and I felt no affinity with the language. I spent most of my childhood reading both English and Malay (translated) books (library visits was a weekly thing).
I’m quite proud to say I think my command in English more than makes up for my lack of proficiency in a third language. As a result, the cultural input I consume is more Western, and I identified more with Star Wars, Back to the Future, MacGyver and Wheel of Fortune than the Four Heavenly Kings concert or any other Hong Kong drama. Ironically, the only way for me to watch any Chinese show (Mandarin or Cantonese) for the longest time was to read the Malay subtitles!
Most of my friends in high school (secondary school) were like me: Bananas. The good thing was that we got along with everyone regardless of ethnicity because we all spoke English as our primary mode of communication.
Even then, I felt many of those who came from a Chinese educated background was different – they had different values and perspectives. It made me question what it meant to actually be Chinese.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t enjoy Chinese New Year and all the practices, symbolism, tradition and good food that goes with it. It’s a time when the only thing running on television is variety and celebrity shows of famous actors, singers, hosts etc and then some nice Chinese movies (hooray for subtitles!) in the evening. I just find myself questioning a lot because I really don’t identify with a lot of that. I can’t enjoy it because I don’t understand it. I feel a lot happier and “in the mood” during Christmas, although that’s more likely because I’m a Christian. But I’m Chinese too, and the difference is that I can identify and understand Christmas to the fullest, which isn’t the case with the Lunar New Year.
So what am I actually rambling on about? I consciously feel that I’m not fully “Chinese” in a cultural sense. I’m not fully liberated from the traditional beliefs, views and norms of being Chinese. I’d like to think I’m more liberal and “Western”, but that’s simply untrue. The truth is I fall somewhere in between, never quite fully “Chinese” and being able to identify with the way other “more Chinese” people here think, believe and act, yet not able to let go fully of the same traditions and embrace a fully Western worldview. As a result, I often feel confused and wonder about my identity in this area.
I think it’s a unique position and for me, I reconcile it only be choosing what I believe is the best of both worlds. I admire the respect and honor prevalent in East Asian cultures. I also feel being able to stand up and speak out is important, something Western ideals embrace but is harder to be accepted in Eastern ones. The strange dichotomy provides a unique perspective many wouldn’t be able to fully grasp. Thankfully, I think there is a significant number of Anglo-educated Chinese here who share this viewpoint – and it is with this group I identify best with.
Question now is, where are the people in this category and why don’t I know more of them? 🙂