Psychology – Gerald Chow

Reflections of a 30+ “Youth”

As I’m nearing my mid 30s, I’m forced to consider that I am perhaps not as young as I would like to think. Sure, I know I’m not old, but I am no longer the inexperienced, green, young upstart trying to figure out my way around life. I’ve read a lot of articles with titles like “Things you should accomplish by 30” etc, and honestly I feel that it’s worth having my own personal reflections on what it means to be in my 30s.

Generation Gap

For the first time in my career, I’m actually feeling a generation gap. I’ve always thought of myself as a newcomer to the working world, but having fresh graduates in the team and trying to relate to them has proven a bit of a challenge. I’m painfully aware of how I am in a different phase of my career and life, and they are all new and a little wet behind the ears when it comes to the working world. It actually caused me to pause and reflect as I was probably just as positive and hopeful once, and I need to occasionally curb my cynical side a little more. Naturally, I tell myself that I’m being “realistic”, but it is also possible that I am just being pessimistic about things.

Expecting a certain level or professionalism may seem like a high expectation, but I have discovered that smart, young talents are usually hungry to learn and grow, if they are given a certain amount of guidance. Most of them seem to appreciate what we are trying to accomplish, but it is also true that many of them have been fed the myth of “landing that dream job”, but don’t seem to have any idea what it is they actually enjoy or what that “dream job” looks like. In these instances, it can be an exercise in futility to motivate them, even if it is just to stay and finish the project so they can discover for themselves whether this is truly what they like or not like.

As much as I hate labels, I must admit that many of them are a little on the soft side, and calling them the strawberry generation is quite apt in my opinion. Undoubtedly, this does not apply to all of them, but when you see so many of them give up the moment things get a little bit challenging, you start to wonder how things would be so much better if they had cultivated just a little bit of grit. It might not be a fair comparison since circumstances were different back when we graduated, but if things are as challenging as claimed in this generation, with most not able to enjoy the same privileges as their parents, then they shouldn’t give up so easily. I’d like to think a lot of things can be considered learning experiences, but this is not a generation of people who will hunker down and push through. Some might, if a lot of time and effort is invested into them first, and it might be a symptom of the lack of trust they have with current establishments.

Inert Stability

Aiming to transition from “young upstart” to “mid career” has been a great motivator because it allows me to have an ever curious, ongoing desire to learn. I do not ever feel that I have arrived, and this has helped me to grow so much over the years. However, I’ve recently realized I have had to, with increasing frequency, remind myself that I have a lot of experience under my belt and to tap into that when necessary. This is especially true as I am building my team, and while there is still a lot to learn, I need to have a stronger mindset of confidence and self assurance in the work that I have done over the past 10 years.

On hindsight, I realized that my initial few years of working was a time when things were quite uncertain, and despite that, I was quite bullish on taking on new challenges as long as I had the appropriate support. This has always scared me a little because I had no experience to rely on, and pushed through with just a hunch and willpower most of the time. Now however, things are different because problems are solved strategically, based on sound advice and experience. Although there are always new challenges, the approach to tackle them seem to stem more from building on past experiences rather than pure speculation and guts.

I have yet to determine whether this is necessarily a good or bad thing, and I think the truth is that being open to both the risky, YOLO-style approach as well as the calm, collected and conservative approach gives me a depth and flexibility in facing and solving new challenges that I never had before.

Overall, it is very rewarding to mentor someone and watch them grow, and the experience, knowledge and expertise gained has been invaluable in helping groom someone else. Replicating yourself has its perks and I can see why many successful people feel the need to coach and mentor others. I’ve had the privilege to be mentored by others as well, and I can truly say it is one of the key things to help a person grow in his/her career.

Humility

I think I’m quite self effacing, but I also know that with a lot of experience comes a certain amount of pride. In the right doses, pride can be a good thing as confidence and knowing who you are and what you can accomplish builds you to face more and future challenges. However, it is also easy to fall too far, thinking that we have done so much, that we sometimes forget that humility is where we learnt and gained those that makes us so proud of. I’m happy to say that I have not done everything myself, but by standing on the shoulders of those who are older, more experienced than I.

Seeing many who are young, energetic, hungry and hopeful, helps me realize that I cannot rest on my laurels and become a cynical old man (as many “more experienced colleagues” I’ve had are wont to be). I was once like them, and while I might not be in the same position as them now, I remind myself to always retain that drive and persistence. I have never looked down on those who are young, but I do pity those who seem to waste those youthful times. It is a time of opportunities and unlimited potential, and what I wouldn’t give to retain what I know now, turn back time, and do it all over again.

So I have to stay humble, as it is with having these young ones around that I can learn those lessons again, be reminded again, and keep that youthful enthusiasm going. The moment I find myself looking down at a whole generation for being young is when I know I have lost my own edge.

Conclusion

I know I’m not as young anymore, but that is just relative. I am naturally still much younger than many others, with a long journey still ahead of me in my career and in life. Growing and maturing is one of my key tenets in life, and I never want to stop doing that. It’s definitely the easiest to keep it up by framing your thoughts and identity as being “young”, because then you will never feel the need to stop learning.

In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the fact that I’m doing decently in my career, while still young enough to be gaming, and thoroughly loving it.

Now, if only my wife could see it the same way…

Having a growth mindset

I've been thinking recently about how I haven't been progressing as much as I would have liked to these past few years. Part of it could simply be attributed to the fact that I've had a pretty eventful few years getting hitched, getting my own place etc. However, a conversation today triggered my memory of how I told myself I would keep growing and keep improving, and I need to make sure I get all the help I can get to do that.

One of the key factors for growth (and I mean the kind of growth that includes the expansion and maturity of your mind and soul) to me, is actually what you constantly feed your mind with. This is one of the reasons I love reading. It expands your thinking and mind, and encourages new ideas, new perspectives. I love it so much, that I quite often hear complaints from the wife that I'm too engrossed in reading, and "neglecting" her (and I assure you I have absolutely no intention of doing so).

The challenge with reading, though, is that once you reach the end of the article / book / text, you are usually stuck with the "what now?" question. For example, block chain is the newest topic that's hot everywhere, and reading up about it is really interesting and insightful, but after you have read and understood it (at least a bit more than before you read it), what do you do now?

To me, I always reflect on how this can impact me. In the case of block chain, the obvious answer to "what now", is "so should I start investing in Bitcoin / Etherium?" Coming to this point is something that I can definitely do fairly consistently, but it's the next step that stumps me quite often.

You see, I have done a lot of introspection, and knowing myself, I always need to talk to someone about these new ideas, and gain further perspective on how / why we can consider pursuing them further. The problem, however, is that you can only have those levels of sharing with someone who has the same level of interests or thinking as you do, and that requires you to have a group of forward thinking, worldview challenging, and matured people around you, consistently interacting and influencing you. It's very true that you should choose who you hang out with because they will either challenge you to grow, or cause you to stagnate in your thinking.

In a way, I seek assurance in any new venture by bouncing my ideas off of others, and it is therefore crucial and essential for me, as a person, to always have people to talk to who can elevate my thinking and perspectives. I need mentors in my life to be able to help me grow in many areas. It is this understanding of myself that leads me to feel fairly frustrated at this point because I feel I don't really have many people like that in my life now, and it is not for the lack of trying.

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about getting someone to tell me step by step what to do, but in any kind of mentoring or discipleship, a lot is imparted simply in the constant interaction because the reinforcement of new ideas happens then. For me personally, I need a certain level of reinforcement to induce an action on my part – again because I understand myself not to be someone who can throw myself into something just like that. A lot of thought needs to go into it first.

So now comes the most difficult part: Actually finding the right people with the mindset and thinking who can, and more importantly, are willing, to build that relationship and connection. It might sound a little selfish, but I'd really like to be able to find someone to encourage me and help me grow. All I can say is that on my part, I think I can also help others grow and sharpen their minds and thinking as well, assuming we can find that common ground.

It would be an investment of time and effort from both sides, but I do believe it is well worth it, if growth is a priority.

Taming the Mammoth

This article really struck a chord with me. To quote the article, we all have “an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us.” Especially in Asian culture, inclusiveness and minding what others think dominate so much of what we do. It’s a really good article and I’m not going to repeat it here. You should go read it. You should read it, now.

Plus, the cartoons are cute!

Selling that pen

In my role as a pre-sales consultant, I’m always on the lookout for ways to improve my skills and myself. Reading this article has been enlightening, allowing me think objectively about how I can improve the way I work. The points mentioned in this article really resonate with my experience and interaction with customers, and while I may not be a true salesman (thank God), they are fundamental to any sales interaction.

The article urges us to cover these four points in our sales interactions:
1) Gather information
2) Respond to information
3) Deliver information (building on the response)
4) Ask for a response (close)

These four points are steps or techniques that tell the listener that you are not only listening to them, but can help them identify and address needs that they have (even if they might not know it at the start). It jives with my personal belief that selling is more about meeting needs and showing value where people can benefit, rather than just hitting numbers.

To a significant degree, I still grapple with this delicate balance of addressing needs and achieving targets. While I enjoy the interaction, mobility and flexibility that a sales role provides, I still struggle to be fully comfortable with selling. Perhaps it is because of my own experiences with salesmen that my perception of sales is fundamentally skewed to the negative. Having seen this, this and this among many other sources and articles I’ve read over the years, I find it hard to think of the smooth talker who is motivated mainly by numbers, as someone who is making the world a better place, and bringing value to others.

I think it boils down a lot to our internal motivation. To me, I am personally motivated to see needs identified and addressed, which often leads to closure of sales. This is my preferred method of selling, and I would rather underachieve and do a good job meeting needs than to hit my numbers but compromise on my beliefs. I am very uncomfortable misleading (not necessarily lying) customers with the sole intention of closing a deal while knowing that what I am selling is unlikely to meet their needs. I know that others would probably have much less scruples, and the internal motivation of wanting to achieve their numbers might drive them to mislead, and even lie, to do so. It is this attitude that I find most repugnant, and the prime reason I can never be totally at ease in my role.

I’ve written a little about personality types before, and based on mine, I have a strong value system, living according to what I feel is right. To me, FEELING RIGHT is very important, and I find it difficult to compromise on my ideals. This might explain why I don’t have an easy time reconciling the “grey areas” of selling where I am unsure if I am pure in my intentions. I have high expectations of myself, and if I cannot be sure that my internal moral compass is correctly aligned, I would not be at peace with myself and my actions.

Reading articles like this makes me wonder if the “problem” lies with me. Naturally, I don’t think I’m cut out for a full sales role, at least not from a temperament / personality perspective. However, I must admit being able to earn a good commission is exciting and can be a good motivator, at least for a period. Thus far, I find my situation tolerable, although things may not be the same in a more challenging market. For now, I’m still going to try to sell that pen the best way I know how, and make sure I help others know that I can help them.

That’s the kind of sales I want to do.

Introverted Intimations

I recently read Quiet by Susan Cain and I must admit I was pretty blown away. I can’t remember the last time I read a book that made me scream on the inside “Yes, that’s me!” so many times. It made me reflect on many things, providing perceptions that are both old and familiar yet refreshingly new at the same time; Like a long lost friend I haven’t spoken to since high school. It argues about how we subconsciously place higher value on extroverted qualities, and I must admit it struck quite a chord with me.

Let me be the first to say that despite what those who know me in real life may think, I’m a classic introvert. I find it draining to be in social situations even though I may enjoy it. I like connecting with people, but more on an intimate one to one level. I have to constantly psych myself up to approach someone new and say hi, especially in a group setting. The scary part is that I’ve gotten so comfortable consciously doing it that I may not even realize when it happens. It is only when I reach home after a full day of interactions which may have been enjoyable, but still find myself exhausted that I have to conclude it takes a lot out of me to be social.

I think I seem extroverted at times because appear unafraid to step out and speak up. It might appear that I do it naturally, but I am not immune to the butterflies, nervous bouts, and anxiety. It is not uncommon for me to start coughing due to nervousness just before going on stage. My trepidation is something I have learned to deal with. Once I am up there, it becomes a lot easier. I’ve always pushed myself this way because I believed being unable to stand up and say something is a sure way of ensuring problems never get addressed, and I dislike not at least TRYING to fix something wrong.

“America had shifted from what the influential cultural historian Warren Susman called a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality”

“In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable.”

“But when they embraced the Culture of Personality, Americans started to focus on how others perceived them. They became captivated by people who were bold and entertaining. “The social role demanded of all in the new Culture of Personality was that of a performer,” Susman famously wrote. “Every American was to become a performing self.”

Excerpt From: Cain, Susan. “Quiet.” Crown Publishing Group, 2012-01-24. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

PERSONALITY VS CHARACTER

I'm an introvert and that's okay! — I’m an introvert and that’s okay!

I think it is pretty easy to confuse personality with character. Granted, it isn’t easy to tell the difference. There are many people who have magnetic personalities, whose words and actions just seems to draw people to themselves. They project confidence and strength, which allows them to often be successful especially in the corporate world. Unfortunately, a strong personality is no guarantee of a strong character.

There are probably some better reads out there that differentiate the two. A simple search yielded results such as this, this and this. One has to do with image and perception of others, whereas the other has to do with beliefs, morals, values and attitudes. Personality has more to do with portrayed charisma, confidence, energy, intellect and passion. Character on the other hand, is harder to discern, and usually surfaces only when a person faces a challenge in life.

This falls within the spectrum of introversion-extroversion where a person may naturally tend towards a certain type of personality. Some are more talkative by nature, and connect well with others very easily. This is no guarantee that the person is honest, virtuous, or has a dependable character. Similarly, some may seem aloof or even indifferent, yet show great depth of character when the situation calls for it. Unfortunately, in our world currently, we tend to psychologically link them together, even though there shouldn’t be a correlation between the two. In the end, whether or not one has an attractive personality, I believe it is more important to understand the underlying motivation, which has to do with values and thus the emphasis on character.

WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME

When identifying personality traits, it is always important to realize that it is never always a “good” or “bad” thing, but rather just different approaches to the way we relate to others. While someone may be introverted, there are times when it is necessary to step out and be bold in interacting with others, and the truth is even introverts crave the connection because we aren’t really meant to be alone. On the other hand, extroverts may find the value in taking some time out and having “alone time” to reflect a little by themselves, and rely a little less on external stimulus.

Understanding my Myers-Briggs personality trait (you can check yours here), I can relate to the fact that different people have different preferences, tendencies, and comfort levels. By understanding the differences, it helps us not to see others only through our own lenses and expectations, but temper it with some tolerance and acceptance because we realize how we are all different individually, and the world is a much better place because of this.

After all, I don’t think I would stand it if everyone were like me.

Responsibility part deux

It’s funny how after I posted about learning responsibility, I’m faced with the accusation that I’m not taking enough responsibility. It’s really not a nice feeling.

I don’t know what it is with me and D people. Why do all the people around me have the same personality? D people are supposed to be super rare, but they somehow appear in significant numbers in my life.

And if there’s one thing I learnt about D people, is that regardless of what you think, your best response is to just shut up, nod your head and agree even if you disagree. Why argue with a D? They will never consider themselves wrong, and regardless of what I think, cannot agree to disagree, or concede that someone else may have a point. They are so convinced they are right that it is an exercise in futility to engage them. Any point raised just gets refuted, and even if I don’t agree with the rebuttal they will get louder, more verbose, more passionate until I rather just shut up. I’m not conflict driven. They cannot accept that everyone is different, have different views, may have different ideas, beliefs, thoughts… They must all bow down and concede that THEIR ideas, beliefs and thoughts are the only correct one.

So just go along. I mean, why ask for my opinion when even after it is given you will just do what you want – you already know what is “best” after all. Why should I bother since it seems to be more practical that I just follow what you say? So please don’t complain when eventually you feel nobody else is helping you make decisions. The decisions I made you questioned and disagreed with. You neither teach nor guide in decision making, saying I don’t think when I do things, and apparently there is such a thing as dumb questions. So I stop asking. I stop learning. And you blame me for not helping?

This is likely the biggest flaw in my personality – I grew up always agreeing, and therefore it seems I don’t know how to drive or to think.

This is not just about attitude. How do you break out of your shell and step out of your comfort zone when your gut instinctive reaction is always to fall back on the familiar and comfortable? It’s difficult, and it’s tiring, and it’s only when you are forced to that you would grit your teeth and go for it.

I guess sometimes we really need to be plunged into the deep end in order to struggle and be challenged. I thank God in the many difficulties and challenges I face – all opportunities to help me grow and mature.

I hope I will…

Responsibility

Responsibility is just a word, but it’s a big, heavy one when it comes to being an adult. Often, we think that we already “know” what it means to take responsibility. Maybe a lot of you do, but I found out first hand that I wasn’t as responsible as I thought I was, and these few months have been a journey to learn that there’s still some ways to go.

They say that maturity comes from the willingness to accept responsibility, and that is precisely what a lot of people are afraid to do. That sounds very cliché, but while many of us know this in our heads, knowing it in our actions and decisions is a whole other matter.

I’ve tried often to define what it is that can make me mature even further. Is it being bold to take action? Is it understanding and learning more? Is it the tenacity to push on? Is it experience and contemplation? I honestly don’t know… What I do know is that someone who is mature would decide to be bold when needed, to understand and keep an open mind, to keep holding on in difficult times, and to take life lessons as it comes, always growing from each decision and situation, especially over something that he/she is responsible for.

What does it mean to be responsible over something? I used to be very naive about it; Just because I was a “leader” executing does not make me a responsible person. True responsibility is when only a concept or general idea is provided, and we take it, run with it, and do WHATEVER it takes to make it succeed, and that’s the one thing I learnt pretty much the hard way.

See, it wasn’t the execution that made you responsible or mature. If you only worked within the framework that is clearly defined in every way for you, you are just another cog in the system of things. You may be the most efficient cog, but you are running based on somebody else’s design. The responsibility comes when you are given a blank space, and you need to fill up every single part to design and make something that works! That’s real responsibility!

It takes a lot of courage. You have to step out of the safety net and comfort zone. You have to force yourself to think in view of the full picture, because YOU are the safety net, and it is by default a failure unless you make it succeed! It can be a project, a task, a relationship, money, an object, or even an idea, and it all hangs on YOU!

So I’ve gotten my share of being corrected, but I must say it is absolutely important that we understand what it really means to take ownership of something! It is only when we are in that position, and have that thing succeed, that we feel the most fulfilled!

So am I there yet? Honestly I think there’s still a long way to go. But I rest in the knowledge that I’ve grown a little bit more, and I’d like to think I’ve matured because of this. I believe taking responsibility has made me more of a man than I was before, and that in itself is worth the challenges faced!

Why write?

I started writing my first blog many years back, but it died very quickly within a year. Since then, I have gone through the cycle of reviving my blogging activities and then letting it die a few times over because I never managed to continually maintain them for long. Each time I began, there was a sudden burst of energy and I had this picture in my head where I would churn out article after article that many would like to read. However, over time, the initial exuberance tapers off resulting in an old, out-dated archive which no one ever visits save for myself when I’m feeling nostalgic and need a trip down memory lane.

While I was embarking on this rebirth of my writing passion, I began to wonder what it was that inherently drew me to keep writing so much? Hadn’t the past “failures” taught me that I do not really have the required journalistic aptitude or stamina? Why do I keep coming back to this only to fail time and again? This bugged me because I knew that if I didn’t have the answer, or at least attempt to seek it, this project would not be sustainable.

So, struggling with my dilemma, I decided that in my maiden article I would try and justify why I’m reanimating my seemingly dead journalism attempts. Perhaps it’s some delusion of grandeur. Perhaps it’s just my stubbornness in not wanting to admit “defeat” or failure. Or perhaps it was some other inner desire to simply say what I want to say regardless of whether anyone is interested to listen.

While I was contemplating this, and attempting to do some research, I realized that the times I had such a strong desire to write was usually when there was SOMETHING to write about, and that something was always a new thought or idea that impressed me personally. The “enlightenment” brought about by the new idea became a driving force for me to become an outlet that shared this to others. It didn’t matter that the idea did not originate from me. I bought into the idea. I felt it was something WORTH TELLING.

It’s like when you discover this brand new restaurant that had great service, exquisite taste, and good value for money. You would definitely want to share it with your friends, your relatives, your colleagues and your peers! Have you ever wondered why, though? What drives you to want to take the effort to share something as trivial as a place to eat with others? I believe we all have this urge to share with others about things that we feel strongly about. Some may deem this obnoxious at times, but we can’t deny that such tendencies do exist, and it is so prevalent that there is even a marketing concept built on this phenomenon; The Word of Mouth.

My theory, is that this tendency is based on a rooted desire to be the one who can influence others. We do it with the intention of, hopefully, having the satisfaction to be the one who introduced something new and beneficial to the betterment of our fellow man. We have the desire to make an impact, a difference in the world, even if it is just as small as seeing your friends or relatives know of and enjoy a good place to eat, and it is all thanks to YOU.

Yes, there is definitely an element of egotistical pride in being the one who first brings this to the attention of others. This is especially evident when you hear statements like “And who was the one who introduced you to it/him/her?”. This also explains why some engage in activities like matchmaking. Altruistic? Probably to some extent, but it’s also true that we get a kick out of being a change agent in someone else’s life. I tend to see it as a combination of both. We tell ourselves that we just want to help. However, the tinge of pride will always be there, and it may not be a bad thing if it somewhat encourages altruism. Regardless of what the case may be, it appears that this prideful altruism is a factor in driving people to share.

I recently had a conversation about how some people ought to be grateful for what they have instead of complaining about what they don’t. While I do agree with this sentiment, I cannot feel that we should be contented to the point where we stop being dissatisfied with where we are. That leads only to stagnation in my opinion. Interestingly, Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs comes to mind. We know there are people who do not even have their basic needs met (bottom of the pyramid, the physiological needs) and we should therefore be grateful that we (may) have at least attained the second level, the safety needs? Do we then stop fighting for the next level of needs to be met? I do not see it as ungratefulness if we push for it, even while we are thankful we are not at the bottom. They are not mutually exclusive.

One of the key points of Maslow’s Hierarchy is that the highest need that a man can have, is for self-actualization. This is the need to realize one’s full potential, to become everything that a person is capable of becoming. Evidently, this relates to the concept of us trying our utmost best to influence the world around us, to express ourselves the best way we can, to make an impact in the lives of those around us.

It is important to note that this psychological theory has been criticized as it was formed based on individualistic qualities and disregards other societies which focus more on collective qualities. The basis for the hierarchy is thus brought into question; Do we all really aim for and value self actualization as the highest need? I then thought about this from the perspective of an Asian. Admittedly, we as Asians are more of a collectivist society and we worry constantly about “face”, or what others think about us. This is a domineering trait in most Asian cultures, although there are exceptions particularly those who are exposed to more “Western” influences. Again, no judgement calls here, but it does appear that those who adopt more “Western” beliefs tend to also be more individualistic.

If it were true, then according to Maslow’s Theory, we as Asians would more or less stop at esteem, where achievement and respect from others would be highest valued. This could explain why Asians tend to focus on bread and butter issues and there is a constant pressure to conform to the norm rather than to pushing self expression. The Asians who DO engage in self expression, more often than not tend to have been influenced by exposure to other cultures and values (the power of Western Culture through Hollywood and MTV). Conversely, the ones with a more Asian mindset tend to keep their self expressions in check.

So how does this relate back to my desire to write? I readily admit that I have been heavily influenced by Western culture, much more so than Asian ones. Yes I do retain many Asian traits, but since I grew up with English as my first language, and have been consuming American cartoons, movies and music for as long as I can remember, I would concede that I tend to identify with Maslow’s Hierarchy.

I have always been a big fan of TED talks. I have also tried to introduce others to TED (again, I’m trying to share this IMHO amazing concept with them). Have you ever wondered why TED Talks are so engaging and so interesting? Why do so many count it a privilege to be given the opportunity to speak at TED? It is a platform where we can share the newest ideas and information to others in the hopes that they will better themselves with it. The tagline for TED, is the phrase “Ideas worth spreading”. It appears the sharing of an idea, especially an idea that many believe is good, is something that invokes excitement and something that drives people to organize something like that.

We all have a desire to be the best, greatest person we can be, even if you are more “Asian”. We also desire to spread our influence, to see the effect we have on the lives of others. We take pride in sharing with others because when we come to know something that we believe is beneficial and good for us, we share it in hopes that we can also help make a difference by bringing that same benefit to them. This is the reason why when I feel enlightened, either by a new thought or a new idea, or if I have a strong opinion which may present a fresh perspective to an issue, I fire up my thinking juices and try to convert all the threads of thought in my mind into a decent piece of reading that will, hopefully, make a difference to someone… It remains to be seen if I will be disappointed.